“It’s Never Too Late to Be Who You Might Have Been” by Debra Hadraba for BraveHeart Women- Honor Your Truth #108

by Debra Hadraba on May 5, 2010 · 0 Comments
in The "Is it True?" Series

Welcome to Honor Your Truth, The “Is It True?” Series Episode One Hundred Eight “It’s Never Too Late to Be What You Might Have Been”

My sister and I registered for Archeology 101 in the Fall of 1981. We were both attending the College of Dupage, better known as COD. My Dad used to call it “the Dupage.” Back in those days it wasn’t the 4-year school it is now, it was a small 2-year junior college. It seemed to house those of us who either couldn’t or didn’t want to get into “regular” college. Many people went there for many different reasons, but for some of us, it was simply a way to get our parents off our backs until we could get a better grip on reality. The question, “what do you want to be when you grow up” was far too vast and overwhelming through a cloud of smoke and Miller beer.

I had dropped out of high school, but eventually got my GED as part of a treatment plan in a psych ward. I studied for it in between group therapy and whatever else. They let me out on a day pass from the hospital to take the test. Bizarre I know, but my father felt that if I went to college, all my “problems” would magically disappear. He said, “Just get her into college, that is all I’m asking” as he got up from the chair and shook Dr. Cindy’s hand. My Dad didn’t finish college and he always wished he had. I know he felt that if we did, we’d have it made-in-the-shade and then he wouldn’t have to worry. After graduating from Central Dupage Hospital, I went directly to “the Dupage.”

I took Typing 101. First and foremost, my Dad wanted us to type. “If you learn how to type, you will always have a job.” I remember feeling safe as I secured my future on a little blue typewriter. However, I had no patience for it. I still don’t, but I can type fast. My mind whirls too much to focus. I’m better off just getting started and learning through osmosis. I’m challenged with directions… things like learning a new cell phone can make me crazy. If someone shows me, I’m much better. These days I’d be considered a “visual learner.” When I was young, I was labeled “unable to apply herself,” a “slow learner,” a “bad student.”

My favorite TV show was “Passage to Adventure.” My parents gave me special permission to stay up late at night to watch it. It was on at 9:00pm on channel 11. Anything that was on channel 11 was considered almost school. I loved traveling all over the globe. I remember all the colors and fascinating worlds I could escape to.

I saw “Raiders of the Lost Ark” 7 times. Obviously, I was looking for adventure… hoping to transcend my simple life. I imagined myself as fearless, not afraid of getting dirty, searching for a treasure in some distant foreign land. What a relief it would be to go from one life threatening moment to the next… no time to worry, to be afraid or even think. I wanted to be able to drink shots of whiskey and pound the empty shot glass on the table. There would be multitudes of men under tables, drunk and asleep. I would slip away and find the riches. It seemed like a real good plan so I registered for the class.

So did swarms of others. Every class was full and with a wait-list. The only thing that filled up faster was the “animal” bus we rode to Florida. The “sleeper” buses and the “normal” buses filled up later. There was definitely a buzz around the campus it was the class to take. On the first day, the professor asked for a show of hands from those of us who saw the movie. We looked at each other and slithered up our hands. I don’t remember what he covered in that first hour at “the dig,” but my sister and I agreed we should never go back.

I registered for Electricity 101 because playing music was not a “viable” career. I could be a studio engineer but someone told me I’d be lucky to plug in amplifiers and wind up cords… that I could barely flip a switch. I loved drawing circuits on big paper, but that’s all that I remember.

I joked that I could be a dentist because I diagnosed cavities in my siblings, a joke my Dad has finally forgotten. It seemed to make him happy, so I kept up the charade.

I sold “Herbal Life” because my parents told my friend Dave to tell me to lose weight. His mom was a distributor so I drank gallons of Aloe Vera juice. I remember my mom saying well maybe you have found your “thing.” My bedroom was full of products. I never wrote a single order.

I had no passion for the many things I tried to love. I was always told the things I did love were only hobbies and you did them in your spare time… time that never seemed to come.

I have been down many roads. I was always searching for a way around myself, a way around my fears. I have discovered that if a dream does not require me to face my deepest fears, then it is not big enough. I could say there is no easy way out, but actually there is. I have found it is far easier to follow my heart, be who I am, do what I love than to deny it. It is never too late because there is no destination, there is no ultimate achievement. It is about the now and what I am doing with it. I am all I was ever meant to be in this moment if I truly claim it. I Honor My Truth!

Debra Hadraba

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